Your mother warned you there'd be days like these

I am worried that I'm losing you in my memories. I want to tell you that I miss you. Not in a way that breaks me or keeps me from going on. But I do -- when something big happens and I want to come home and tell you about it, in some simple moments, like when I go shopping and you're not there, or when Facebook is flooded with messages for the day and I don't know how to feel. I miss you when we skirt around the topic of you. I miss you when everyone forgets your birthday or pretends it doesn't matter. 

If I met you today, I would ask you to understand why I am not like him and why I can't be. I would want you to know that just because I didn't do things the way he did them, doesn't mean that I don't love you with all my heart. I don't mind that my loyalty doesn't surpass his. I mind the things I said. I mind my last conversations with you. I mind not caring. I mind wishing for a way out of the madness that was. 

I can think of no other words to describe the way I feel this morning. And there's no one to turn to today. I hate being sad like this.