Friday, April 08, 2011

just diaries. no sex.

sometimes a whole day is spent doing nothing. sometimes it just consists of random conversations with random boys who have no balls. i hate these days. i woke up to a slew of messages on chat from him. he is unhappy with his choices, yet again. big surprise. so, i spend hours pacifying him even as he leaves me for another woman. it doesn't hurt, that's a first. i tell him she is good for him. she really is. he is annoyed that i won't fight for him. he's known me for years and doesn't know that i never really loved him. he wants me to stop him. so i ask him to not be with her. he asks if i'll stay with him, i say no. he is clearly annoyed. he makes me promise him all sorts of things. i agree after an appropriate amount of protesting. i dont mean it, dont feel it. i just want this conversation to end. i try to hurt him. he tries to hurt me. it's interesting. it's sick. i love it. he says things to rile me up. calls me names and tells it like it is. brings up the past. brings up my future prospects. calls the cute guy i have a crush on, scum. says i have no taste in men. "yeah, no shit. that's why i was with you." he tells me to be honest. i am. i want to be responsible and not hurt him at first, but an insane urge to break him overcomes me and i tell him he's not good enough, never was and never will be.
but the thing is... 
he won this one. i don't want to say how it ended, but broke me in the end.