Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The five influences

The one I encounter everyday. The one who listens to my problems and mocks them for being childish.The one who wants to be a part of my world, but isn't, can't and will never be. She's the one who lies to herself and possibly everyone around her. She feigns non-chalance and a cold exterior. She feigns strength. She's overly-opinionated and aggressive and loud. I want to squash her. Bitch.  

The one I meet on weekends. The one who hates me and loves me. Wants me and despises me. The one who builds me up to break me down. She doesn't lie to herself, just everyone around her. She knows the truth about herself and she knows that letting someone come close enough will expose her. So she hides behind phrases like commitment phobia and high-standards. She is just waiting to live up to the impossibly high standards of her father, her brother, her sister, her mother and most of all, herself. 

The one that wants to do everything. She wants to be a part of all my plans. She wants to say yes to more education, to more love, to less pain, to breaking ties, to building bridges - everything. She takes all my problems on and then falls apart. Fails me more desperately than anyone else. She wants to be there for everyone, spreads herself too thin and then she crumbles. 

The one I hate. She's the one with ALL the advice. Do this, do that and be amazing. The one that has no sympathy for me when my body hurts, and who says so without thinking twice. The one who always needs to be looked after, but doesn't know how to give back. The selfish one. The one I need the most. 

And then there is you. You break my heart and leave me to pick up the pieces. Then you come and make it all okay. Toughen me up, soften me, toughen me, soften make me.