He looks at her with those half open eyes and tells her that he hopes they'll "make it". She tells him the same. He smiles and pulls back her sleeves and says, "I've never seen your arms". Hasn't he? No, maybe not. So she lets him. Her skin, burnt by the sun, turns to gooseflesh as those sleeves are rolled up to her elbows. And then a kiss, a single kiss on her wrist. And thus began her journey with this person who seemed perfect in every way.
Wasn't there time for us to think? There was, there was so much time. Then why, I wonder, did we hurry? Why didn't we wait until we got to dance together? Why didn't we even watch the sunset together...just once? Why did we smile every timewe goofed up? Why did we ignore the insanity of it all? Didn't it ever matter to you that this was so unreal...so impossible?
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Today I went back to trace every bit of their courtship... everything I could possibly find. I don't know why I did that, but I wanted to know... the things he said, the things she said. The reactions she invoked in him, the feelings that welled up in her. I wish I hadn't. I wish I hadn't because now I know that it was deeper than I ever thought it was. At least she did think more deeply of him than I thought she had. About him, I cannot say. I have never been able to know what he thinks or whether what he says is true. It has always been so messed up. Trying to figure out whether its because of me that he loved me...or because of them or because of the circumstances?Have you ever felt that someone was your only shot at happiness?Or that there is nothing beyond this person... a person who may very well have destroyed your spirit? Someone who makes you smile for a second, after making you cry for a week? And you told yourself, that that was enough? Why does anyone settle for second best? Especially when it comes to their own happiness? Do we think, deep down, that we aren't good enough? Or that we can't do better? Does it even matter that the happiness you find with this person will last you a few months, a year at best? The agony of it all... is it worth the small measure of ecstasy it gives you?