life seldom measures up to our expectations.
i'm only beginning to realise this...
i dont want things to follow my directions all the time
just the grace to be able to tolerate losing out on certain things.
to see the one you love, love someone else
to watch your efforts wasted sometimes
grace to give up what means so much, just because...
to make choices between the ones you love and the one you love
to love one more than another
to not love for the wrong reasons..
to not hate meddling people, to not hate unaccepting people
to touch your own heart and know you're wrong
grace to accept it, to admit it
to grow out of a childhood that never was
to not live going from depending on one person, to another, to another...
being trapped..and to feel like nothing nothing nothing at all, is going your way
to hear repeatedly how wrong you are, how stubborn, how un-understanding..
to know that you are in fact, sometimes, right..
and to accept not being able to fight for it.
to not break down at the thought of using words that dont come naturally.
to meet the 'stepford wife' stereotype when its expected
grace to be able to explain that it is not the lack of love, or understanding
that makes us do the things we do

I thought it was immaterial when she told me my fears were because of being left with a bitter taste in my mouth from the last time. I remember so well, that last time. The last time was 3 years ago and I was all alone. I had high fever and high hopes...That day, I thought I had conquered my fears...but the worst came after that...a strange quietness filled my being and an aching surounded me.
Yes, maybe she was right... my fears were born from that last time. This time was different..there was no quietness, no loneliness, no aching.. there was a burst of happiness and joy untold. There was laughter, shyness, coyness, kisses, tears, smiles, hugs, white lies, discoveries, experiences...the whole deal. This time...it was right.
Fears come to my mind now and then...but someone told me recently, not to worry.. for many fears are born of fatigue and 'loneliness' (not that kind of loneliness, just missing-him/her kind of loneliness).
And as for love, it grows with time, shrinks here and there...Its an 'everchanging-constant', so to speak.
And joy?..its still there, just like it was a year ago. I still smile at the thought of the future, albeit with some concerns.
Life is not perfect...worries and troubles make it worth living. I never want an 'easy' life.. I want to make things that arent beautiful, beautiful...