using emails for blogger-fodder

i thought i would write to you, only because i'm utterly bored and i need to do something to keep myself awake. my head hurts. night shift always makes me feel ill. blah.


maybe i should write and tell you all about me, about what i like and dont like, about the things that mattered to me as a child, the things that mattered to me last year and the things that matter now.
i should tell you about the surgeries i've had and the scars they've left. or about how i miss my mom but will never talk about her.


you should know that i have had a very happy life and i believe i'm very very very blessed. my life has been easier than most people's and i know that God has a soft spot for me.


i should tell you that i'm not bothered about looks because i myself am not perfect. far from it. intelligence, kindness, humour and love are probably the things that matter to me most.


my biggest fear is that i will lose the people i love. you should know that i want to allow myself to fall in love with a guy who has come into my life and changed my beliefs. i want you to know that trust isnt gained easily and as attracted as i am to you, i dont know you ... i dont know how you treat others, i dont know whether you have a hundred women running after you, i dont know what you they mean to you and what you mean to them.


i should tell you that i've told lies, lies that have hurt others perhaps, lies to cover up my own shortcomings. should tell you that money doesnt matter to me, that it did matter... not anymore
.
i could advise you a bit on love. i could only tell you that there is no sense in holding back and playing mind games with people... you should know that mind games scare me, turn me off and hurt me…


i want to ask you to be open with me about your past ...nothing hurts more than wanting to know things like that and not knowing… and as much as i hate to admit it...i'm insecure about things like that. i want to know that you will be honest with me, no matter what. i want you to know that there is no mistake impossible to forgive and nothing that i would knowingly do to hurt you.


i have to confess that i have a crazy schoolgirlish crush on you and i want to stop now. 

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your hand.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I'm asleep.

And I will bare my soul in time,

When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

As we drove by that road today, with the weather the way it is… I thought of school. I thought of play-practice in that rambling house, on that road. I thought of staring at random crushes from the other end of the classroom. I thought of you and of me. And mostly, I thought of her.

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Everything remains as it was.
The old life that we lived so fondly together
Is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other,
That we are still.Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way
Which you always used.
Put no sorrow in your tone.
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever
The household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort
Life means all that it ever meant.
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you,for an interval,
Somewhere very near,just around the corner.
All is well.
Nothing is hurt,nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall smile at the trouble of parting,
When we meet again...
- Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918)

As it is written

Tell me again, all about heaven.
Show me once more how I used to be.
Remind me of those days.
Don't ask why I left.
Bring it all in, bring it back.
Bring You back into my life.
Revive me.


Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him. Corinthians. 

Just sometimes

Sometimes, I feel as if I understand, as if I know... Sometimes, I’m confused…like a blur of dreams from a night’s broken sleep. Sometimes I miss you. Sometimes, I want us to talk, about you and about me, about all this that has come our way. Sometimes, I want to ask you why you won’t give in and I want to find out what you’re afraid of. Sometimes, I wish you saw the unnatural measure of faith I have in you. Sometimes, I want to run away, from all this that has come our way. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Like a blurred dream from a cold night’s broken sleep.