our first date, you weren't even single.

I don't know what I want. I remember being in this position about a year ago. Faced with almost the same complications and same questions. I took a leap of faith last time, and fell...hard..flat on my face. This time, something is holding me back...not something within me...something external. I would go for it again, it feels more exciting than the last time, more fun and much more dangerous. Except, this time the decision isn't in my hands...not yet anyway :-)
Maybe there are forces at work that I can't see, maybe it's him and maybe it's just me.
This last week has been a blur. I feel so happy to feel what I feel, but it's that kind of happiness you feel unsure about, the outcome of which may or may not be good. But just to feel like this, is different.
I wanted to decide whether I'm happy or unhappy or angry or sad. I think it's a new and happy feeling. I've decided not to worry about what comes of it. I've decided to embrace this for what it is and to take whatever comes, in my stride.

knock and the door shall be...

Something I read today, struck a nerve. Suppose we really found him. What if, He met us today? I know I’m not ready. I know there are things I’ve done that I haven’t been able to ask forgiveness for, mostly because I haven’t dealt with them actually happening.
In suggesting that for the most part, we’re playing around with the image of God, one of my favourite writers seems to have said the wisest thing.
Because really, what are we looking for when we say we search for God? A counselor, a friend? Forgiveness? Someone to thank? Someone to ask ‘why me?’ I know I search for different things in God, on different days. Comfort seems to be the word that encompasses all of them...
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."

[Fiction]

And so I thought of your room today.
Your lights are always on whenever I drive past and I wonder what you do in there all the time. I remember the first time you took me there, the way I felt. I was trying to hide myself in some way. Hide fear, hide scars, hide inexperience, hide drunkenness. I remember your smile, the one you’ve flashed me so often, and the one I shy away from every time I see it. Life feels surreal when I’m with you, like an excerpt from a racy novel. You don’t feel like the other people I meet. I look up to you in a different way. You constantly surprise me.
When we talk after, while you smoke a cigarette and ash it, I watch your fingers. I love feeling the sound of your voice fill my head. Sometimes I tune out the words and then it’s just a sound, a kind of music. I understand you, in so many ways. Your eccentricities all make sense to me.
When we talk before, I feel my stomach go into a knot. I feel my forehead moistening. I wonder what’ll happen and I wait. I even find that I hold my breath sometimes.
You’re always honest with me, sometimes subtly, sometimes brutally. I feel like you’re always careful not to hurt my feelings too much. You don’t like it when I play down my abilities, but when I big myself up, you break me.
We talk often – at dinners, on drives and on my terrace. We talk of our ideals, our dreams and how everything is so eff-ing wrong. We never talk about us though, and when we do, even in jest, I don’t say much. You say – we’re this and we’re that. I listen and smile, and nod. To an outsider, it may seem like I don’t think about our relationship, but in truth, I have analysed it, over-analysed it, dissected it, in every way possible.

Uhhh

I’m bored. I feel like I’ve said (or typed) those words so many times in the last 2 years!! To everyone I meet online, in response to a text, in conversations over dinner at work, when asked ‘What’s up’ in the rest room, when you call, when she calls, when he calls or even…when I call.


When anyone asks me why I did it, and they often do, my answer is usually – boredom.


My friend asked me this over drinks the other day and then said sternly, don’t compromise. And so I thought about ideals today. We all have them.


Mine....


I want him to be a wearer of solid colours; who looks amazing in a suit.
I want to be able to fit into his life and have him fit into mine easily.
Someone tall, with nice arms and hands, dark hair and dark eyes.
Someone who will be there to pick me up and to drop me off.
Someone who can write; is good with words and well-read.
Someone I can brag about and who can brag about me.
I want a sense of humour, sarcasm and quick retorts.
I want someone who I can talk to about anything.
I want someone who is respectful and refined.
Someone with a spine, someone confident.
I want him to be able to tick me off.
I want someone self-assured.
I want him to be articulate.
I want hugs and smiles.
I want faithfulness.
I want chivalry.
I want bravery.
And honesty.
Passion.
Love.
You.
Us.

It was a relationship too.

I thought of the day I reached there, standing at the door, bending slightly, looking down at the stairs, arms wide open, holding my breath, waiting…and then hugging you tight…!:) You were wearing a beige trench coat and a Burberry scarf. So chav, she said. But you smelt of you, of October and just the way I imagined for the two months we’d been apart. That was my favorite moment. That is also my nicest memory of you and us.
I actually thought of you when I landed on my friend’s Facebook profile and saw pictures of her in at the same place we were. Same pool, same lawns, same restaurant, same towels, same little beach. And that is when I thought of you and whether I should write about you. Justify ‘us’ with a mention to the world. Or keep you a secret from the people who think differently of me.

Remember, remember ...

I want to spend the whole afternoon writing, falling in love with words. A glass of iced tea, memories and the wonderful weather. I often wonder about us, about how something so right could have been so wrong.
I’m so happy with what I decided today. I felt like I was going to fall deeper than I could ever imagine and never resurface, and I so wanted to fall.
I wrote to him some months back, when I was dating the now-ex. I wrote to him, a “remember” mail. Remember us, the way we were, our blogs, our emails, our meetings that were always too short…remember that usual text every morning at 10 a.m. my time, 8:30 yours.
So then I went back to that blog, where my life began. I decided to just pick a date. And I found his only ode to me. I remember our first meeting, it was the 17th of May in 2005. I remember feeling cold on that hot summer evening. I remember us sitting on the pavement and just fading. My dear friend, who I love with all my heart, said that that was the only time “her Z” ever loved. I believe that on some days. Some days I think that love will be much MORE, when it happens, if it does.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

Saying goodbye with words

Words to remember me by,
When you’re alone or in crowds,
For you to never miss me.
For you to always love me.


Words to remind you,
That you’ve been the best for me
Nothing before ever compares
Nothing ahead will ever measure up


Words to tell you….
That I’m just a common girl
Looking to be made uncommon by loving you


Words to show you,
That I care more than I can say


Words to assure you that I’m here for you
Your every waking moment and through every night
Whether far or near,


Words promising you
That this what we share,
It is ours, just ours.

I'm all this and more

I’m a cynic.
I wonder about how some men treat some women.
I think aerobics in the morning is a scene from Desperate Housewives.
I’m wondering about beautiful strangers in wonderfully well made kurtis.
I’m waiting for summer sunshine that’s already arrived and April showers in March.
I’m hoping for waves to sweep me off my feet, and to catch me off guard.
I’m warm in my bed with just a cotton sheet.
I’m content in my room with white curtains and pale yellow bed covers.
I’m eager for a busier everyday and sleepier every-night.
I’m laughing at myself for being so silly.
I’m sad about the realizations some people might have had today or yesterday.


I’m winning and it feels good.
I’m learning to lose and it feels even better.
I’m happy.
I’m anxious about how it will be.
I’m thankful for what I have now.
And prayerful for what I want.

say hello already

Certain things - like sitting under a starry sky or on sandy shores, make us remember the ones we love and think of love we want.
How things have changed and remained exactly the same.


When we were children, we would watch An Officer and a Gentleman and dream our little dreams in quick succession. How easy it is for children to imagine a world full of love, honour, chivalry and faithfulness. How easy to believe that you will grow up, meet the person you're meant to be with and then live happily ever after.


Faithfulness is such a strong word, so difficult and so meaningful.
I pray that God keeps you faithful and blesses you. 

if this is it, then i'll just say no

"love is a funny thing" you say.

is this the most you have ever loved someone?

if this is love, then i ask it a million questions.

if you tell me this is it, can i ask if i am the only one for you?

if we plan a life together, can you tell me if you believe in soul mates?

if you do, am i yours and are you mine?
if this is our story, then why does it have so many loose ends?
if laughter, so frequent, fades so quickly into the night, shouldnt we worry?

but a life without questions, problems and solutions isnt worth living at all.

if this is life, then i embrace it