Uhhh

I’m bored. I feel like I’ve said (or typed) those words so many times in the last 2 years!! To everyone I meet online, in response to a text, in conversations over dinner at work, when asked ‘What’s up’ in the rest room, when you call, when she calls, when he calls or even…when I call.


When anyone asks me why I did it, and they often do, my answer is usually – boredom.


My friend asked me this over drinks the other day and then said sternly, don’t compromise. And so I thought about ideals today. We all have them.


Mine....


I want him to be a wearer of solid colours; who looks amazing in a suit.
I want to be able to fit into his life and have him fit into mine easily.
Someone tall, with nice arms and hands, dark hair and dark eyes.
Someone who will be there to pick me up and to drop me off.
Someone who can write; is good with words and well-read.
Someone I can brag about and who can brag about me.
I want a sense of humour, sarcasm and quick retorts.
I want someone who I can talk to about anything.
I want someone who is respectful and refined.
Someone with a spine, someone confident.
I want him to be able to tick me off.
I want someone self-assured.
I want him to be articulate.
I want hugs and smiles.
I want faithfulness.
I want chivalry.
I want bravery.
And honesty.
Passion.
Love.
You.
Us.

It was a relationship too.

I thought of the day I reached there, standing at the door, bending slightly, looking down at the stairs, arms wide open, holding my breath, waiting…and then hugging you tight…!:) You were wearing a beige trench coat and a Burberry scarf. So chav, she said. But you smelt of you, of October and just the way I imagined for the two months we’d been apart. That was my favorite moment. That is also my nicest memory of you and us.
I actually thought of you when I landed on my friend’s Facebook profile and saw pictures of her in at the same place we were. Same pool, same lawns, same restaurant, same towels, same little beach. And that is when I thought of you and whether I should write about you. Justify ‘us’ with a mention to the world. Or keep you a secret from the people who think differently of me.

Remember, remember ...

I want to spend the whole afternoon writing, falling in love with words. A glass of iced tea, memories and the wonderful weather. I often wonder about us, about how something so right could have been so wrong.
I’m so happy with what I decided today. I felt like I was going to fall deeper than I could ever imagine and never resurface, and I so wanted to fall.
I wrote to him some months back, when I was dating the now-ex. I wrote to him, a “remember” mail. Remember us, the way we were, our blogs, our emails, our meetings that were always too short…remember that usual text every morning at 10 a.m. my time, 8:30 yours.
So then I went back to that blog, where my life began. I decided to just pick a date. And I found his only ode to me. I remember our first meeting, it was the 17th of May in 2005. I remember feeling cold on that hot summer evening. I remember us sitting on the pavement and just fading. My dear friend, who I love with all my heart, said that that was the only time “her Z” ever loved. I believe that on some days. Some days I think that love will be much MORE, when it happens, if it does.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.