sometimes things are so easy, you're wondering why...
sometimes life fits like a perfect puzzle, and you're looking for something to be missing
sometimes he says the right things, and you're searching his eyes and wondering what the catch is
one day, i hope you learn, my sweet friend, that if life is easy it.s because you deserve it.
i hope you learn that you earned that medal on your wall..
that you didn't just sail through life, you made a difference
i hope you know that you made my life easier so often
i pray that no one hurts you, and if they do, i pray that you have the grace to withstand it..

He looks at her with those half open eyes and tells her that he hopes they'll "make it". She tells him the same. He smiles and pulls back her sleeves and says, "I've never seen your arms". Hasn't he? No, maybe not. So she lets him. Her skin, burnt by the sun, turns to gooseflesh as those sleeves are rolled up to her elbows. And then a kiss, a single kiss on her wrist. And thus began her journey with this person who seemed perfect in every way.
Dear you,
Wasn't there time for us to think? There was, there was so much time. Then why, I wonder, did we hurry? Why didn't we wait until we got to dance together? Why didn't we even watch the sunset together...just once? Why did we smile every timewe goofed up? Why did we ignore the insanity of it all? Didn't it ever matter to you that this was so unreal...so impossible?

Today I went back to trace every bit of their courtship... everything I could possibly find. I don't know why I did that, but I wanted to know... the things he said, the things she said. The reactions she invoked in him, the feelings that welled up in her. I wish I hadn't. I wish I hadn't because now I know that it was deeper than I ever thought it was. At least she did think more deeply of him than I thought she had. About him, I cannot say. I have never been able to know what he thinks or whether what he says is true. It has always been so messed up. Trying to figure out whether its because of me that he loved me...or because of them or because of the circumstances?Have you ever felt that someone was your only shot at happiness?Or that there is nothing beyond this person... a person who may very well have destroyed your spirit? Someone who makes you smile for a second, after making you cry for a week? And you told yourself, that that was enough? Why does anyone settle for second best? Especially when it comes to their own happiness? Do we think, deep down, that we aren't good enough? Or that we can't do better? Does it even matter that the happiness you find with this person will last you a few months, a year at best? The agony of it all... is it worth the small measure of ecstasy it gives you?

It rains these days, and how appropriate is the rain. As if my own sadness isn’t enough, the skies begin to frown too… the mornings are cold. Frigid. Like me. Like you.
Is this what our lives have been reduced too? A series of such unfortunate coincidences, a series of blunders, of mistakes? Regrettable decisions are what have brought me where I am today. Bad decisions, bad wantings, bad imaginings, bad desires, bad demands…
I don’t even know whose life I live anymore.. mine or someone else’s, someone who used to belong to you?
.

life seldom measures up to our expectations.
i'm only beginning to realise this...
i dont want things to follow my directions all the time
just the grace to be able to tolerate losing out on certain things.
to see the one you love, love someone else
to watch your efforts wasted sometimes
grace to give up what means so much, just because...
to make choices between the ones you love and the one you love
to love one more than another
to not love for the wrong reasons..
to not hate meddling people, to not hate unaccepting people
to touch your own heart and know you're wrong
grace to accept it, to admit it
to grow out of a childhood that never was
to not live going from depending on one person, to another, to another...
being trapped..and to feel like nothing nothing nothing at all, is going your way
to hear repeatedly how wrong you are, how stubborn, how un-understanding..
to know that you are in fact, sometimes, right..
and to accept not being able to fight for it.
to not break down at the thought of using words that dont come naturally.
to meet the 'stepford wife' stereotype when its expected
grace to be able to explain that it is not the lack of love, or understanding
that makes us do the things we do

I thought it was immaterial when she told me my fears were because of being left with a bitter taste in my mouth from the last time. I remember so well, that last time. The last time was 3 years ago and I was all alone. I had high fever and high hopes...That day, I thought I had conquered my fears...but the worst came after that...a strange quietness filled my being and an aching surounded me.
Yes, maybe she was right... my fears were born from that last time. This time was different..there was no quietness, no loneliness, no aching.. there was a burst of happiness and joy untold. There was laughter, shyness, coyness, kisses, tears, smiles, hugs, white lies, discoveries, experiences...the whole deal. This time...it was right.
Fears come to my mind now and then...but someone told me recently, not to worry.. for many fears are born of fatigue and 'loneliness' (not that kind of loneliness, just missing-him/her kind of loneliness).
And as for love, it grows with time, shrinks here and there...Its an 'everchanging-constant', so to speak.
And joy?..its still there, just like it was a year ago. I still smile at the thought of the future, albeit with some concerns.
Life is not perfect...worries and troubles make it worth living. I never want an 'easy' life.. I want to make things that arent beautiful, beautiful...

There are times in our lives when we all want to become the ideal...for someone else, or something. At least I believe that there is such a thing or phenomenon...
There is a girl I know, shall we call her D...D has in her mind, this conception that her own self possesses deep and latent wickedness. Perhaps there is some of that...way deep. But none that meets the human eye, or ear, or touch even... She is all that every good girl wants to be. Proud-parent-maker she is. Beautiful...with curls that roll down her back, eyes that fill with concern at the sight of a helpless ant, fingers that make glorious music and a demeanor that makes her what she is....explicit.
Gawd how I hate loving this girl I know!! I just hate how I completely adore her... She's so young and so untouched. I want the world for her and yet, I know that blemishes will come her way, hurdles that may cause her to stumble...ones that might leave scars.
Grr...what will happen to me if I ever have a daughter of my own!!!!!

"Behold, I will do a new thing...."
And somehow, everything seems right in the world again. This is the calm after the storm, the sunshine after the rain:)

there is something about putting all your eggs, apples, peaches or pears even, in one basket. the risk...the terrible terrible risk.. the thrill... the thrill that makes your blood rush at the very thought of what could be yours... and the fear, the fear that in one moment, it can all go away...no questions asked.
there is something so pathetic about wanting something as badly as i wanted this. i still want it, and as much as i try not to, i still have this tiny bit of hope left in me that i will get it. i know i'm setting myself up for more disappointment, but then, thats my thing isnt it...

Silence is not an easy thing. Its scary sometimes. When it comes from someone you love, silence can be deafening. It can mean anger, boredom, judgment, ridicule or simple nonchalance. But silence can also mean something beautiful. That someone has taken time off to rethink their words, so as not to hurt you. So that whatever they say has true meaning and touches the very depths of your soul…
Words sometimes only express expectations from other people. A generous spirit seldom announces what it plans to give… Silence can mean effortless giving.