If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

-Rudyard Kipling

I was 14 I think, when I read Kim, also by Rudyard Kipling. I remember the day I picked it up from the library, sitting next to my schooltime boyfriend:) I remember so vividly, his reaction. How was I moving from Agatha Christies and Nancy Drews. He said something to me about having too much time on my hands. And how right he was. I read the strangest, most irrelevant and (maybe) useless books. I enjoyed it.

Having too much time on my hands has been the story of my life! I’m lazy and I can’t pretend I’m not, but I hate having nothing to do for more than an hour. Weekends are busy, but weekdays aren’t. Work is slow. The bright side is, I get time to do what I love, to write. To write, other than what work expects of me.
If someone had told me, at 16, that I would be a journalist, I would not have believed them. My English Lit teacher did tell me once, that I should make it my profession. And that’s when I started writing recreationally. I stopped caring who I wrote to or what I wrote about. I just wrote. I never imagined, though, that I would get paid to write. I never thought of myself as a writer, I still don’t.

Recently, at dinner with a friend, I told her of my plans to choose a new career path. That I was bored and that I thought I could do much better. That I wasn’t using my head, and I didn’t feel productive. I love numbers and I love words, words more than numbers, and work is the perfect blend. The problem is I don’t get to be creative, at all. I get to be creative here, and elsewhere, never ever at work :)

I still believe my calling is to teach little children. I don’t know when I’ll get to do that, maybe after I’ve had my fill of corporate mania, after I’ve worn my glasses long enough, watched enough CNBC, talked mergers and acquisitions over dinner for years, stared at tickers and stock moves on my three screens for hours on end, played the stock market for a while, and managed to make an impact of my own. Maybe then I’ll teach babies how to count and read and write and spell and subtract.

I find it hard to believe that this is what I want to do, I can’t imagine myself with a hoard of little children running wild, but my heart says that’s where I’d be happiest.

For now, I’m content. I want more, but I’m content.

I want to write to change the world.
I want to influence people in a good way.
I want to feel my hand in yours :)
I want to know if you smile at random people when you pass them
I want to see you smiling at me
I want to see you doing what you do best
I want to learn to lose gracefully,
I want to watch you win everything you are meant to
I want you to be happy ..no..not happy..overjoyed!
I want to sleep, and wake up in manic good moods :)
I want to learn new things, breathe new air,
I want to love unconditionally, selflessly and completely,
I want to play safe and risk everything,
I want to be impatient and wait forever...

I walked this morning. Early. So that I would be awake with you. So that you would know that my every prayer is with you today.
It wasn’t warm, it was so not warm. It was pleasant. Like it used to be in Second year. In Second year when I waked 9 kilometers every morning. To MG road, down to the Taj, around Ulsoor and then home. In Second year, when determination coursed through me, when I had only one goal. In Second year, when I learnt to live and to love. When I learnt about things that mattered and about growing up. Second year, that began with getting to know someone and ended with knowing them fully. A year of big choices and big fights. A year of tears and of laughter without boundaries. A manic year. A year of differences and similarities, a year of moving forward and holding on.
And now… my first year, at work, at independence, at understanding myself. My first year of knowing you. Of wanting to become one with you. My first year of knowing that I'm finally on the right path.
"The Lord bless you, and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine on you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26

I think of you, of days gone by..
Of talking non-stop.. of falling asleep with your voice in my head
I remember your friendship and your love,
The unnatural kindness you showed me.

I have chosen to write this because I know you read this more than anyone else ever does. And even though this is a public link, in all likelihood, you will be the only one to truly read it. And when you do, there will be no doubt in your mind that this is about you. My best friend, my confidante, you're the most reliable person I've ever come across. The most unchanging, the wisest of them all.

Thank you, for being you :)

I remeber so clearly the days when I would write about every single thing I did! I met so many interesting people through my blog. *sighhh*
Things have changed so much. Life has gone from being easy and simple to being easier and simpler :), from being happy to being happier. From feeling content to feeling as if there is sooooo much to look forward to.
i dont believe that life is dificult. i have enjoyed most aspects of my life so far and i can hardly wait for to see what's next. im sure you feel somewhat the same, at least i hope so. i dont like people who complain about things being so unfair etc...people who go "why me" are people i feel like smacking in the face. i do tend to think too much and over-analyse things a bit more than other people though...
i guess i've had my moments...lots of them.. when i've hated things that have happened...where i've thought that it couldnt get any worse. but havent we all?
people who give a lot of importance to appearances, money or materialism annoy me. and maybe, thats why i like you... from what i know of you, i dont think you are materialistic.
if there is one thing all my close friends have in common, it's that they're kind people. i dont have many close friends, i always choose to confide in the person im "seeing" and those friendships dont last once the "seeing" is over. i dont believe people can be "just friends" with an ex who they have truly loved.
i like that you are mature. i like knowing that you're probably better than your peers. i like that you and i are so similar in so many ways. i like that you understand things most others dont. i like that you can see through me. i like that you're funny.

How lucky I am to have something that makes it so difficult to say goodbye... :)
I read that somewhere and felt as if I'd had a revalation. We sit and complain about why things or people are moving out of our lives, without ever stopping to think how blessed we were to be associated with them in the first place. We hope for things, against all logic, against all experience, against all odds.
We numb ourselves to the things we do have and to the wonderful people who do love us. We go to the ends of the earth in search of joy, the joy that someone is offering you everyday. We run from happiness that is there for the taking.
She runs from him, even as he offers her all that she knows is good. Runs to search for a trait that she found in another, to find something to cry about, instead of laughing with him forever. If you ask her why she is still running, she'll tell you it makes her complete.
I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for you and me my friend,
I run for life
"But they that wait upon Jehovah shall renew their strength: they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not tire; they shall walk, and not faint. " Isaiah 40:31

I don’t quite know where to begin. Marveling at the amazing thresholds that I stand at, my life suddenly seems complete. I know that when you wake up every morning with a smile on your face and a song in your heart, that you must be doing something right. I wake up like that nowadays… for some weeks now. Life fits.

Regrets? There are many. There will be more to come. Life isn’t too short for regrets. But it is too short to spend time thinking about them. Knowing that I have regrets gives me a reasonable chance at not making the same mistakes again.

And at the end of the day, I feel a burst of energy that comes from being around my family, where the love you give and the love you get is in the same (gigantic) proportions. Of course, there have been problems, rebellion and bitterness…. but love… it overflows. And my heart, in all its fullness, is theirs.

And friends. My friends, the ones I know who care for me as much as I care for them. Who look out for my good, who accept me for who I am, not for what they want me to become. Who tell me that I’m being obnoxious and ask me to shut up, but do it with such love and such grace…


And God. Whoever says there is no God, must really be a fool. It really is impossible to see all the beauty around you and think of it as just a coincidence. How can anyone not believe in someone who said that he would never leave you? Who told you that every hair on your head is numbered and that he carved you in his very hands… and how can you not love Him..

And the future… it is so bright... that it burns my eyes :)

How do you know when its too much…
Too much love
Too much trust
Too much truth
Too many expectations
Too much adoration
Too much success
Too much work
Too much money
Too much freedom
Too much anticipation
Too much hope
Too many fears
Too many dreams
Too many lies
Too much joy
Too much laughter
Too many tears
Too many burdens
Too much confusion
Too much competition
Too much sugar
Too much warmth
Too much sunshine
Too many colours
Too much security
Too many words
Too many worries
Too many glances
Too much waiting
Too many times

“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness - Desiderata.

Does being a Christian mean having no fear? Am I supposed to be able to give God full control of my life without worrying? I think that's exactly what I should be doing, but I don't always trust God completely. I don't always say 'Let your will be done' and mean it.
I know of so many times when He saved me from things that would've ruined me. I know of so many times He has opened doors for me. So many times He has carried me through sadness and anger, with such grace and power. Yet... I fear.
I know when troubles come, God is by my side and there is a reason for whatever happens to me. Yet .. I fear.
“What I do now thou knowest not but thou shalt know hereafter.”
Yet...I fear.

With time I have not lost hope, my spirit, my ecstasy…
I have not changed my plans, my dreams and my aspirations.
With time I have not left stones unturned, or feelings unfelt.
I haven’t banished my deepest desires for the fear that they may be frowned upon.
With time I haven’t let vain inhibitions stop me from dancing, or jumping with joy.
I have stood my ground and have changed not my convictions.
With time I have grown into a woman perhaps, willing to do what it takes to get what she wants; willing to want only what is right, true and pure.
I have learnt that age does not bring with it maturity.
And religious faith does not bring righteousness.
Honesty does not come from being in situations where your lies will be found out.
Finding true purpose in life has nothing to do with trying to portray oneself in a particular way.
Happiness is not something to wait for..
Happiness is happiness… everyone finds it within themselves.
It is, in all probability, fleeting,
But true joy is ever present.
True joy is mine, and it is yours…
For the taking…

Blessings all mine........:):)

-Beautiful poetry…written by regular people, amateurs :)
-Getting head massages …
-Playing with someone’s hair and watching calmness overcome their face:))…
-Long emails or letters from a dear friend…especially a funny friend
-The sense of peace that overcomes me before I drift off to sleep...
-Watching someone I love getting dressed for an evening out.
-The warmth of family on a cold winter(or hot summer) day:)
-Having a baby fall asleep on my shoulder…
-Stargazing.
-A child I don’t know, smiling at me…

-Being called 'babe' by the two nicest people in the whole wide world :)
-Cuddling with a willing kitten or puppy or cat or dog…:D a few licks here n there don’t hurt either!:D
-Seeing that familiar 5-digit number that calls me late at night :):) -Waking up in strange manic good moods with bursts of energy…yes, I’m a morning-person to the core!
-Knowing silly stuff like “goodbye” came from “god bye”, which came from “god be with you”
-Swimming at sunset or sunrise…:)
-The feeling of wanting to embrace the future with open arms…
-Him.

-Plans with him :)
-Blessed Assurance!

para mi ángel, entiende por favor

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And Im waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
My body bruised, shes got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you

Remember the days…
Of summer dresses and strappy sandals…
Of fair skinned boys and spiked hair
Of crisp white shirts
Of rain beating on the roof
Of thunder storms and lightening
Of kittens and vast lakes
Remember the days…
Of sun dried tomatoes
And spring time leechis
Of beautiful mountains and waterless river beds
Remember the moments…
That made our history
A curly haired girl and a brown eyed boy
Of caramel kisses
Of lime trees and tree houses
Of cold, misty mornings
And warm beds
The beep of an alarm clock
And the chhun-chhun of payals
Remember the nights…
Spent out till the forming of the morning dew
Of star gazing and wish making
Of tears and tantrums..
Of hot black tea and cold clear soda
Remember innocence
Remember silence…
Remember truth
Remember yielding
Remember pleading
Remember the ice
Remember the fire
Remember you
Remember I…
Remember

From an email I sent someone recently :-)
I like - thinking, daffodils, amateur poetry, licorice, soft fabric, colourful umbrellas, mac 'n cheese, sarcasm, sudoku, fresh bedsheets, sneakers, futons, cheap t-shirts, dirty jokes, ice cream, writing, play-doh, tamarind, crosswords(easy, not cryptic), intelligent people, bright colours, arguing, pani-puri, chic-flicks, long conversations, brownies, yahoo smileys, droopy eyes, babies, country-gospel music, gerbras, rainy days, sunny days, cold days, warm days, being underwater, home-food, long showers, beautiful words, being in love, hugs/cuddles, overbearing love, bitter chocolate, the blunt truth, endorphins, blueberry cheesecake, women of substance, chivalry, freedom of speech, sorbet, Cartman, spur-of-the-moment happenings, ringlets, sugared almonds and candied ginger, all things christmassy, family dinners, fireplaces, guitar, champagne with a sugar cube and bitters, non-stop talkers, being alone, google, sobriety..
I dislike - burping, bad breath, waking up late, marigolds, funerals, skinny-weight-obsessed girls(or boys), sweaty hugs, MLs, pierced eyebrows, bitching, secrets, guava juice, algebra, bad grammar, long toe nails, beating around the bush, liars, hypocrites, being afraid, men in spandex, cockroaches, know-it-alls, cling-ons, attention seeking behaviour, atheists, kill-joys, arrogance, cynics, fishnet stockings, drinking and driving, nose-picking, judgemental people, slimy things...

When you remember each instant,
Each touch and each whisper.
When you hear a heart beating against your ear
When you watch those smiling eyes and smile to yourself
When there isn’t passion or fury
When there is just the calm
The sound of breathing
When you’re closer than the closest thing
When there is no tomorrow
When its here to stay..

Have you ever….
· Felt that rush on some mornings where life presents itself with a song saying “its getting better all the time”
· Known just what to say, when to say it and how to say it..
· Felt a strange sense of emptiness that no one can fill and crying seems inevitable
· Been uncontrollably angry at someone you love, without them being at fault at all
· Wanted to take that child by the wayside in your arms and dance :-)
· Seen rain clouds in the sky and thanked God for small mercies(like an excuse to bunk college;))
· Cried tears of joy seeing what God has done for you and me
· Wanted to do all the forbidden things, all at once, without thinking twice
· Let someone take you for a ride over and over again
· Touched the inside of someone else’s being with your very hands
· Felt needed, truly needed
· Known truly, the difference between being loved for you and not for what you can do
· Run faster than you ever knew you could
· Jumped higher than you thought you could…
· Laughed harder
· Sung more beautifully
· Talked more wisely
· Looked more radiant
· Smelt more like a dream…and worn no perfume:)

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out Reconsider
Give the heavens above More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance.....

For you, if you're reading this..you know who you are :)

I was at a wedding yesterday. And somehow, weddings are like being in Rome(when in Rome, do as the Romans do!). At an Indian wedding, if you are single and of marriage-able age, your wedding prospects will surely be discussed at some point or the other. It doesn't matter where your heart is. All that matters is that you're single. Suddenly all the proverbial 'grand old ladies' will be worried about whether you are going to meet your significant other "before it's too late"!! I'm only 21, and so I escape alot of this mindless chatter. I dread the day when I have to deal with it though. Maybe 2-3 years from now. That was my weekend. There was dancing though
:-)
My friend said to me the other day that she is lonely. She said this to me as I was going through my own personal turmoil. I asked myself if I was lonely...and realised that I'm not, I never have been. Life has been difficult sometimes, but mostly, I've been happy with who I am and how I feel. Besides, I read somewhere that happiness is not a goal..it is a journey. And yes, it is fleeting. If someone were to ask me if I had regrets, I do know that there are things I'd do differently if given another chance. Small things, the way I've spoken to the people I love, the words I've used and the times I have been angry at others for no significant reason. Other than that, no regrets with the decisions I've taken.
God has been by my side always. I knew that in the winter of 2004, and I know it now. He has saved me from things He knows I would not have been able to take. Blessings all mine and ten thousand beside :-)

No one reads this blog at the moment. Which is nice, in a way. And whoever does, already knows me. For those who don't know me - I started blogging when I was 18. I'm 21 now. I lost my first url when a lecturer from college discovered it and told everyone in college about it!(my fault though). I loved blogging then and I want to love it again. I just dont have the patience anymore. My most favourite thing in the whole wide world is the way I feel after a good work out! I love adrenaline.:) I also love being in love. Love has made me to the most mind-numbingly stupid things, but it's all good. Laughing is also on my list, laughing for no reason, or mostly at my own silliness. I hate hiccups, hypocrites, liars and people who don't respect human beings.
I write for a living. I do what I love and I get paid for it! Yaaay! 3 years ago, I wanted to get into the travel industry! And a year before that, it was law. Before that, fashion design. Earlier, a doctor. Before that, when I was really young, I wanted to be a mommie :D hehe..all in good time I guess
My bestest friend wanted me to start writing again...because writing is therapy na;) I like how friends get worried about each other so easily :) (yes yes i like making people worry!).
And I do believe that God has blessed me abundantly.
More tomorrow.