I don’t quite know where to begin. Marveling at the amazing thresholds that I stand at, my life suddenly seems complete. I know that when you wake up every morning with a smile on your face and a song in your heart, that you must be doing something right. I wake up like that nowadays… for some weeks now. Life fits.

Regrets? There are many. There will be more to come. Life isn’t too short for regrets. But it is too short to spend time thinking about them. Knowing that I have regrets gives me a reasonable chance at not making the same mistakes again.

And at the end of the day, I feel a burst of energy that comes from being around my family, where the love you give and the love you get is in the same (gigantic) proportions. Of course, there have been problems, rebellion and bitterness…. but love… it overflows. And my heart, in all its fullness, is theirs.

And friends. My friends, the ones I know who care for me as much as I care for them. Who look out for my good, who accept me for who I am, not for what they want me to become. Who tell me that I’m being obnoxious and ask me to shut up, but do it with such love and such grace…


And God. Whoever says there is no God, must really be a fool. It really is impossible to see all the beauty around you and think of it as just a coincidence. How can anyone not believe in someone who said that he would never leave you? Who told you that every hair on your head is numbered and that he carved you in his very hands… and how can you not love Him..

And the future… it is so bright... that it burns my eyes :)

How do you know when its too much…
Too much love
Too much trust
Too much truth
Too many expectations
Too much adoration
Too much success
Too much work
Too much money
Too much freedom
Too much anticipation
Too much hope
Too many fears
Too many dreams
Too many lies
Too much joy
Too much laughter
Too many tears
Too many burdens
Too much confusion
Too much competition
Too much sugar
Too much warmth
Too much sunshine
Too many colours
Too much security
Too many words
Too many worries
Too many glances
Too much waiting
Too many times

“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness - Desiderata.

Does being a Christian mean having no fear? Am I supposed to be able to give God full control of my life without worrying? I think that's exactly what I should be doing, but I don't always trust God completely. I don't always say 'Let your will be done' and mean it.
I know of so many times when He saved me from things that would've ruined me. I know of so many times He has opened doors for me. So many times He has carried me through sadness and anger, with such grace and power. Yet... I fear.
I know when troubles come, God is by my side and there is a reason for whatever happens to me. Yet .. I fear.
“What I do now thou knowest not but thou shalt know hereafter.”
Yet...I fear.

With time I have not lost hope, my spirit, my ecstasy…
I have not changed my plans, my dreams and my aspirations.
With time I have not left stones unturned, or feelings unfelt.
I haven’t banished my deepest desires for the fear that they may be frowned upon.
With time I haven’t let vain inhibitions stop me from dancing, or jumping with joy.
I have stood my ground and have changed not my convictions.
With time I have grown into a woman perhaps, willing to do what it takes to get what she wants; willing to want only what is right, true and pure.
I have learnt that age does not bring with it maturity.
And religious faith does not bring righteousness.
Honesty does not come from being in situations where your lies will be found out.
Finding true purpose in life has nothing to do with trying to portray oneself in a particular way.
Happiness is not something to wait for..
Happiness is happiness… everyone finds it within themselves.
It is, in all probability, fleeting,
But true joy is ever present.
True joy is mine, and it is yours…
For the taking…

Blessings all mine........:):)

-Beautiful poetry…written by regular people, amateurs :)
-Getting head massages …
-Playing with someone’s hair and watching calmness overcome their face:))…
-Long emails or letters from a dear friend…especially a funny friend
-The sense of peace that overcomes me before I drift off to sleep...
-Watching someone I love getting dressed for an evening out.
-The warmth of family on a cold winter(or hot summer) day:)
-Having a baby fall asleep on my shoulder…
-Stargazing.
-A child I don’t know, smiling at me…

-Being called 'babe' by the two nicest people in the whole wide world :)
-Cuddling with a willing kitten or puppy or cat or dog…:D a few licks here n there don’t hurt either!:D
-Seeing that familiar 5-digit number that calls me late at night :):) -Waking up in strange manic good moods with bursts of energy…yes, I’m a morning-person to the core!
-Knowing silly stuff like “goodbye” came from “god bye”, which came from “god be with you”
-Swimming at sunset or sunrise…:)
-The feeling of wanting to embrace the future with open arms…
-Him.

-Plans with him :)
-Blessed Assurance!

para mi ángel, entiende por favor

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And Im waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
My body bruised, shes got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you

Remember the days…
Of summer dresses and strappy sandals…
Of fair skinned boys and spiked hair
Of crisp white shirts
Of rain beating on the roof
Of thunder storms and lightening
Of kittens and vast lakes
Remember the days…
Of sun dried tomatoes
And spring time leechis
Of beautiful mountains and waterless river beds
Remember the moments…
That made our history
A curly haired girl and a brown eyed boy
Of caramel kisses
Of lime trees and tree houses
Of cold, misty mornings
And warm beds
The beep of an alarm clock
And the chhun-chhun of payals
Remember the nights…
Spent out till the forming of the morning dew
Of star gazing and wish making
Of tears and tantrums..
Of hot black tea and cold clear soda
Remember innocence
Remember silence…
Remember truth
Remember yielding
Remember pleading
Remember the ice
Remember the fire
Remember you
Remember I…
Remember

From an email I sent someone recently :-)
I like - thinking, daffodils, amateur poetry, licorice, soft fabric, colourful umbrellas, mac 'n cheese, sarcasm, sudoku, fresh bedsheets, sneakers, futons, cheap t-shirts, dirty jokes, ice cream, writing, play-doh, tamarind, crosswords(easy, not cryptic), intelligent people, bright colours, arguing, pani-puri, chic-flicks, long conversations, brownies, yahoo smileys, droopy eyes, babies, country-gospel music, gerbras, rainy days, sunny days, cold days, warm days, being underwater, home-food, long showers, beautiful words, being in love, hugs/cuddles, overbearing love, bitter chocolate, the blunt truth, endorphins, blueberry cheesecake, women of substance, chivalry, freedom of speech, sorbet, Cartman, spur-of-the-moment happenings, ringlets, sugared almonds and candied ginger, all things christmassy, family dinners, fireplaces, guitar, champagne with a sugar cube and bitters, non-stop talkers, being alone, google, sobriety..
I dislike - burping, bad breath, waking up late, marigolds, funerals, skinny-weight-obsessed girls(or boys), sweaty hugs, MLs, pierced eyebrows, bitching, secrets, guava juice, algebra, bad grammar, long toe nails, beating around the bush, liars, hypocrites, being afraid, men in spandex, cockroaches, know-it-alls, cling-ons, attention seeking behaviour, atheists, kill-joys, arrogance, cynics, fishnet stockings, drinking and driving, nose-picking, judgemental people, slimy things...

When you remember each instant,
Each touch and each whisper.
When you hear a heart beating against your ear
When you watch those smiling eyes and smile to yourself
When there isn’t passion or fury
When there is just the calm
The sound of breathing
When you’re closer than the closest thing
When there is no tomorrow
When its here to stay..

Have you ever….
· Felt that rush on some mornings where life presents itself with a song saying “its getting better all the time”
· Known just what to say, when to say it and how to say it..
· Felt a strange sense of emptiness that no one can fill and crying seems inevitable
· Been uncontrollably angry at someone you love, without them being at fault at all
· Wanted to take that child by the wayside in your arms and dance :-)
· Seen rain clouds in the sky and thanked God for small mercies(like an excuse to bunk college;))
· Cried tears of joy seeing what God has done for you and me
· Wanted to do all the forbidden things, all at once, without thinking twice
· Let someone take you for a ride over and over again
· Touched the inside of someone else’s being with your very hands
· Felt needed, truly needed
· Known truly, the difference between being loved for you and not for what you can do
· Run faster than you ever knew you could
· Jumped higher than you thought you could…
· Laughed harder
· Sung more beautifully
· Talked more wisely
· Looked more radiant
· Smelt more like a dream…and worn no perfume:)

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out Reconsider
Give the heavens above More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance.....

For you, if you're reading this..you know who you are :)

I was at a wedding yesterday. And somehow, weddings are like being in Rome(when in Rome, do as the Romans do!). At an Indian wedding, if you are single and of marriage-able age, your wedding prospects will surely be discussed at some point or the other. It doesn't matter where your heart is. All that matters is that you're single. Suddenly all the proverbial 'grand old ladies' will be worried about whether you are going to meet your significant other "before it's too late"!! I'm only 21, and so I escape alot of this mindless chatter. I dread the day when I have to deal with it though. Maybe 2-3 years from now. That was my weekend. There was dancing though
:-)
My friend said to me the other day that she is lonely. She said this to me as I was going through my own personal turmoil. I asked myself if I was lonely...and realised that I'm not, I never have been. Life has been difficult sometimes, but mostly, I've been happy with who I am and how I feel. Besides, I read somewhere that happiness is not a goal..it is a journey. And yes, it is fleeting. If someone were to ask me if I had regrets, I do know that there are things I'd do differently if given another chance. Small things, the way I've spoken to the people I love, the words I've used and the times I have been angry at others for no significant reason. Other than that, no regrets with the decisions I've taken.
God has been by my side always. I knew that in the winter of 2004, and I know it now. He has saved me from things He knows I would not have been able to take. Blessings all mine and ten thousand beside :-)

No one reads this blog at the moment. Which is nice, in a way. And whoever does, already knows me. For those who don't know me - I started blogging when I was 18. I'm 21 now. I lost my first url when a lecturer from college discovered it and told everyone in college about it!(my fault though). I loved blogging then and I want to love it again. I just dont have the patience anymore. My most favourite thing in the whole wide world is the way I feel after a good work out! I love adrenaline.:) I also love being in love. Love has made me to the most mind-numbingly stupid things, but it's all good. Laughing is also on my list, laughing for no reason, or mostly at my own silliness. I hate hiccups, hypocrites, liars and people who don't respect human beings.
I write for a living. I do what I love and I get paid for it! Yaaay! 3 years ago, I wanted to get into the travel industry! And a year before that, it was law. Before that, fashion design. Earlier, a doctor. Before that, when I was really young, I wanted to be a mommie :D hehe..all in good time I guess
My bestest friend wanted me to start writing again...because writing is therapy na;) I like how friends get worried about each other so easily :) (yes yes i like making people worry!).
And I do believe that God has blessed me abundantly.
More tomorrow.

sometimes things are so easy, you're wondering why...
sometimes life fits like a perfect puzzle, and you're looking for something to be missing
sometimes he says the right things, and you're searching his eyes and wondering what the catch is
one day, i hope you learn, my sweet friend, that if life is easy it.s because you deserve it.
i hope you learn that you earned that medal on your wall..
that you didn't just sail through life, you made a difference
i hope you know that you made my life easier so often
i pray that no one hurts you, and if they do, i pray that you have the grace to withstand it..

He looks at her with those half open eyes and tells her that he hopes they'll "make it". She tells him the same. He smiles and pulls back her sleeves and says, "I've never seen your arms". Hasn't he? No, maybe not. So she lets him. Her skin, burnt by the sun, turns to gooseflesh as those sleeves are rolled up to her elbows. And then a kiss, a single kiss on her wrist. And thus began her journey with this person who seemed perfect in every way.
Dear you,
Wasn't there time for us to think? There was, there was so much time. Then why, I wonder, did we hurry? Why didn't we wait until we got to dance together? Why didn't we even watch the sunset together...just once? Why did we smile every timewe goofed up? Why did we ignore the insanity of it all? Didn't it ever matter to you that this was so unreal...so impossible?

Today I went back to trace every bit of their courtship... everything I could possibly find. I don't know why I did that, but I wanted to know... the things he said, the things she said. The reactions she invoked in him, the feelings that welled up in her. I wish I hadn't. I wish I hadn't because now I know that it was deeper than I ever thought it was. At least she did think more deeply of him than I thought she had. About him, I cannot say. I have never been able to know what he thinks or whether what he says is true. It has always been so messed up. Trying to figure out whether its because of me that he loved me...or because of them or because of the circumstances?Have you ever felt that someone was your only shot at happiness?Or that there is nothing beyond this person... a person who may very well have destroyed your spirit? Someone who makes you smile for a second, after making you cry for a week? And you told yourself, that that was enough? Why does anyone settle for second best? Especially when it comes to their own happiness? Do we think, deep down, that we aren't good enough? Or that we can't do better? Does it even matter that the happiness you find with this person will last you a few months, a year at best? The agony of it all... is it worth the small measure of ecstasy it gives you?

It rains these days, and how appropriate is the rain. As if my own sadness isn’t enough, the skies begin to frown too… the mornings are cold. Frigid. Like me. Like you.
Is this what our lives have been reduced too? A series of such unfortunate coincidences, a series of blunders, of mistakes? Regrettable decisions are what have brought me where I am today. Bad decisions, bad wantings, bad imaginings, bad desires, bad demands…
I don’t even know whose life I live anymore.. mine or someone else’s, someone who used to belong to you?
.

life seldom measures up to our expectations.
i'm only beginning to realise this...
i dont want things to follow my directions all the time
just the grace to be able to tolerate losing out on certain things.
to see the one you love, love someone else
to watch your efforts wasted sometimes
grace to give up what means so much, just because...
to make choices between the ones you love and the one you love
to love one more than another
to not love for the wrong reasons..
to not hate meddling people, to not hate unaccepting people
to touch your own heart and know you're wrong
grace to accept it, to admit it
to grow out of a childhood that never was
to not live going from depending on one person, to another, to another...
being trapped..and to feel like nothing nothing nothing at all, is going your way
to hear repeatedly how wrong you are, how stubborn, how un-understanding..
to know that you are in fact, sometimes, right..
and to accept not being able to fight for it.
to not break down at the thought of using words that dont come naturally.
to meet the 'stepford wife' stereotype when its expected
grace to be able to explain that it is not the lack of love, or understanding
that makes us do the things we do

I thought it was immaterial when she told me my fears were because of being left with a bitter taste in my mouth from the last time. I remember so well, that last time. The last time was 3 years ago and I was all alone. I had high fever and high hopes...That day, I thought I had conquered my fears...but the worst came after that...a strange quietness filled my being and an aching surounded me.
Yes, maybe she was right... my fears were born from that last time. This time was different..there was no quietness, no loneliness, no aching.. there was a burst of happiness and joy untold. There was laughter, shyness, coyness, kisses, tears, smiles, hugs, white lies, discoveries, experiences...the whole deal. This time...it was right.
Fears come to my mind now and then...but someone told me recently, not to worry.. for many fears are born of fatigue and 'loneliness' (not that kind of loneliness, just missing-him/her kind of loneliness).
And as for love, it grows with time, shrinks here and there...Its an 'everchanging-constant', so to speak.
And joy?..its still there, just like it was a year ago. I still smile at the thought of the future, albeit with some concerns.
Life is not perfect...worries and troubles make it worth living. I never want an 'easy' life.. I want to make things that arent beautiful, beautiful...

There are times in our lives when we all want to become the ideal...for someone else, or something. At least I believe that there is such a thing or phenomenon...
There is a girl I know, shall we call her D...D has in her mind, this conception that her own self possesses deep and latent wickedness. Perhaps there is some of that...way deep. But none that meets the human eye, or ear, or touch even... She is all that every good girl wants to be. Proud-parent-maker she is. Beautiful...with curls that roll down her back, eyes that fill with concern at the sight of a helpless ant, fingers that make glorious music and a demeanor that makes her what she is....explicit.
Gawd how I hate loving this girl I know!! I just hate how I completely adore her... She's so young and so untouched. I want the world for her and yet, I know that blemishes will come her way, hurdles that may cause her to stumble...ones that might leave scars.
Grr...what will happen to me if I ever have a daughter of my own!!!!!